Dear Real Mom Lady,
I took my son to a coffee and play place the other day. I was hoping for a somewhat relaxing experience where my son could play, I could get out of the house without too much effort and planning and we could have some one on one time. When we got there, it quickly became evident that this wasn’t going to happen. It seemed that other parents were perfectly content to just let their kids run wild, act like little terrors and expected other strangers to parent their offspring. Other people were literally sitting right next to their devil spawn children, checking their iPhones and ignoring the shenanigans that were taking place right next to them. I am often at a loss in these situations and would appreciate some advice on how I could handle these situations without coming off too ‘holier than thou’ or too bitchy. Any suggestions?
Not Your Mom
I hear you and I feel your pain. People in those places are either sending shade your way for any of Jr’s well-meaning yet possibly overly aggressive attempts at play or they are ignoring their own child’s demonic and violent ‘playing’. In any of these instances you can employ any of the following phrases or techniques:
- “Go Fuck Yourself”
- “Your child is a monster, please keep him/her away from my kid”
- “Oh, your son/daughter is so cute but could you please help me pry his/her hands out of my child’s hair? Thankyousomuch!”
- Stand up in the middle of the place and ask everybody and nobody “Is anyone else seeing this? Bueller? Bueller?”
- Pick up the offensive child and walk him or her around to other parents asking “is this your child? Is this your child?”
- If your own kid happens to be somewhat oversized and beefy like mine was at one point, let him or her kick the other kid’s ass. You know you want to. Just look the other way. That is the thing to do, apparently.
Dear Real Mom Lady,
I am having a hard time keeping up appearances lately. I have two young kids, I am always busy and I am having a hard time taking care of myself. All of my friends seem to have it all together. They have clothes that fit and seem to be clean. They shower and do their hair and makeup. I can barely change out of my PJs by noon. How can I keep up?
Tired and Slightly Rank
Dear T and SR,
First of all, you can’t keep up, unless you want to start popping your kid’s Ritalin. These women are surely on drugs or they have remortgaged their houses to be able to afford full time help that they are keeping secret. Believe me, at certain points in your life it is just normal to be in your PJs until noon. These times are called University and Motherhood. What is the point of changing in to real clothes if you are just going to have to change out of them anyways when you eventually crawl back in to bed. Here are some tips:
Sleep in your clothes. Spray yourself with Febreeze when you wake up to freshen your outfit. Wipe your pits with a damp cloth and spray on some perfume. This is called a ‘whores bath’ which is ironic because no one who employs this method is actually getting laid.
Carry large sunglasses with you everywhere. This will cover at least half of your face if you have no time for makeup and then you can shove them back on your head to restrain your hair as an accessory. No need to wash and/or brush your hair. Use two pairs at the same time if necessary.
Dry shampoo is amazeballs and you can use it days and days in a row and not have to shower. You can also powder your kid’s bum with it. Not really, but imagine if you could!
Instead of washing your clothes, use baby wipes to clean off any crust that might accumulate. You can do this while waiting at a stop light or in the grocery store. Good lighting. This will allow you to go weeks without having to do any laundry.
Chew gum. You won’t have to brush your teeth and it will help relieve pent up stress. I am a jaw clencher – I should know.
Finally, when you feel put out or inferior because your friends seem to have it all together and you feel like a tired, frazzled slob, just give yourself a break. Have a KitKat and try to squeeze in a nap. In your clothes of course.