Mommy, I want…

I have heard this phrase approximately 8 million times this weekend.  We are officially in the selfish, whiney phase.  R wants what she wants and she wants it loud.  She also does a jumpy, hand-flappy thing while she is whining and demanding things like her sister’s spoon, a different cup, a movie, or a specific coat.  She also whines for help, or for no help at all (it is anyone’s guess which is will be at any given time).  I get it right about 50% of the time.  She has figured out how to get what she wants and how to play me.  Yes, me.  The person who said she would be the tough mom and who had all these games figured out.  Turns out I am the softy in this house.  All R has to say is “I’m hungry” when she is already supposed to be in bed and I am jumping up to get apple slices.  I know she isn’t hungry, but what if she is?  I know she only wants to stay up later but I can’t help it.  Tonight, as she sits in the next room kicking the wall and crying for food, I am only standing my ground because mere minutes ago she was eating her cheesy noodles and drinking her milk before we brushed teeth and she got in bed.

I have started to explain that she doesn’t always get things just because she wants them and mama has to say no sometimes.  I have always been ok with the principle of saying no, but her negotiation and bribery skills are improving every day.  I am already saving for law school.  She needs to hear no and I am doing my best to not indulge her all the time but I am my own worst enemy and she is my little baby.  I don’t want an entitled little brat making life hell for her teachers in the future so I am going to keep on keeping on.  Give me strength!  Tonight, my two friends Merlot and Crunchie Bar are giving me the power to muddle through this evening’s trials and tribulations.  What’s your standby source of strength?  Keep it legal people!

Ask the Real Mom Lady: Public Parenting Edition

Dear Real Mom Lady,

I took my son to a coffee and play place the other day.  I was hoping for a somewhat relaxing experience where my son could play, I could get out of the house without too much effort and planning and we could have some one on one time.  When we got there, it quickly became evident that this wasn’t going to happen.  It seemed that other parents were perfectly content to just let their kids run wild, act like little terrors and expected other strangers to parent their offspring.  Other people were literally sitting right next to their devil spawn children, checking their iPhones and ignoring the shenanigans that were taking place right next to them.  I am often at a loss in these situations and would appreciate some advice on how I could handle these situations without coming off too ‘holier than thou’ or too bitchy.  Any suggestions?


Not Your Mom


Dear NYM,

I hear you and I feel your pain.  People in those places are either sending shade your way for any of Jr’s well-meaning yet possibly overly aggressive attempts at play or they are ignoring their own child’s demonic and violent ‘playing’.  In any of these instances you can employ any of the following phrases or techniques:

  • “Go Fuck Yourself”
  • “Your child is a monster, please keep him/her away from my kid”
  • “Oh, your son/daughter is so cute but could you please help me pry his/her hands out of my child’s hair? Thankyousomuch!”
  • Stand up in the middle of the place and ask everybody and nobody “Is anyone else seeing this?  Bueller?  Bueller?”
  • Pick up the offensive child and walk him or her around to other parents asking “is this your child?  Is this your child?”
  • If your own kid happens to be somewhat oversized and beefy like mine was at one point, let him or her kick the other kid’s ass.  You know you want to.  Just look the other way.  That is the thing to do, apparently.

Good luck!




Dear Real Mom Lady,

I am having a hard time keeping up appearances lately.  I have two young kids, I am always busy and I am having a hard time taking care of myself.  All of my friends seem to have it all together.  They have clothes that fit and seem to be clean.  They shower and do their hair and makeup.  I can barely change out of my PJs by noon.  How can I keep up?


Tired and Slightly Rank


Dear T and SR,

First of all, you can’t keep up, unless you want to start popping your kid’s Ritalin.  These women are surely on drugs or they have remortgaged their houses to be able to afford full time help that they are keeping secret.  Believe me, at certain points in your life it is just normal to be in your PJs until noon.  These times are called University and Motherhood.  What is the point of changing in to real clothes if you are just going to have to change out of them anyways when you eventually crawl back in to bed.  Here are some tips:

Sleep in your clothes.  Spray yourself with Febreeze when you wake up to freshen your outfit.  Wipe your pits with a damp cloth and spray on some perfume.  This is called a ‘whores bath’ which is ironic because no one who employs this method is actually getting laid.

Carry large sunglasses with you everywhere.  This will cover at least half of your face if you have no time for makeup and then you can shove them back on your head to restrain your hair as an accessory.  No need to wash and/or brush your hair.  Use two pairs at the same time if necessary.

Dry shampoo is amazeballs and you can use it days and days in a row and not have to shower.  You can also powder your kid’s bum with it.  Not really, but imagine if you could!

Instead of washing your clothes, use baby wipes to clean off any crust that might accumulate.  You can do this while waiting at a stop light or in the grocery store.  Good lighting.  This will allow you to go weeks without having to do any laundry.

Chew gum.  You won’t have to brush your teeth and it will help relieve pent up stress.  I am a jaw clencher – I should know.

Finally, when you feel put out or inferior because your friends seem to have it all together and you feel like a tired, frazzled slob, just give yourself a break.  Have a KitKat and try to squeeze in a nap.  In your clothes of course.



Sexy Time

No, this is not an X rated post.  This is about some disturbing trends in tween-ville that I find disturbing and that I think you should know about so you can join me in my rage:

1.  Pole dancing classes for kids.  For real.  There is a studio in BC that is getting some serious attention for offering a pole dancing class for children.  There is a child as young as five that is registered to take part.  If I weren’t so scared of inappropriate sexual innuendo I would make a joke about gagging!  The woman offering the classes maintains that this class is all about upper body fitness and flexibility and that it has nothing to do with teaching sexually provocative moves.  Sure, except that the apparatus you are using to teach the class is meant for naked women to climb up and down on, showing their naughty bits and it is usually covered in vaseline.  In reading up on this I discovered that there are actually pole dancing competitions in Russia where children as young as 7 are allowed to take part.  Really?

2.  Lingerie stores offering clothing for tween girls.  Again, for real.  Places like Victoria’s Secret and La Senza both have clothing lines for young girls.  The line from VS is called Pink.  Does anyone else think ‘vagina’ when they hear that?  I really don’t think it is a good idea for 11 year olds to be buying off-the-shoulder t-shirts next to a mannequin wearing a g-string and garter belts.  This sends a mixed message don’t you think?  Like, “hey, buy this other stuff and wear it to entice boys and be sexy”.  This is not something young girls should feel compelled and/or pressured to do.

3.  Blow job parties and sex bracelets.  These are real things.  Kids as young as 11 and 12 are attending BJ parties in basements where the boy who has the most colours of lipstick on his pre-pubescent junk wins.  Sex bracelets (my term) are those old jelly bracelets we used to wear in the 90s but now they are color coded to indicate which type of sexual favor you have given to boys.  Kids are talking in code with their jewelry and they are talking dirty!

4.  Sexting.

5.  Online sex chatting.

6.  Bratz dolls.  I freaking hate those things.

I could go on.  My point is that I am afraid for my daughters as they grow up in this increasingly scary world.  I believe that kids should stay kids as long as possible because once they see and learn about certain things they can never un-see and unlearn them.  We are in a world that sends such mixed messages:  Be a strong and independent woman or girl but trade on your looks and sexual prowess in order to be desirable.  Be attractive – this is a must, but make sure you are offended if someone comments on your looks.  Have a perfect body but don’t put too much emphasis on it.  Flaunt your body.  Don’t flaunt your body.  How are my girls supposed to navigate all these conflicting messages and believe me when I say that they is perfect just the way they are?  How are they supposed to believe that in order to have friends and be popular they doesn’t have to flash their boobs online or be bitchy to other girls?  I strongly believe that I will be a present parent who instills good values, is strict, fair and a good role model.  I am lucky enough to be well-equipped and informed about all the risks out there.  I know lots of amazing parents who still found their kids facing incredible challenges with body image, confidence and sexual maturity.  I was one of those kids, and my parents were and are incredible.  What chance do I have?

This all makes me very pissed.  It makes me angry about ulterior motives of big business, shady marketing and companies with no moral compass and social conscience.  I shouldn’t have to be shielding my children from land mines like this as they grows up.  What makes me more incredulous is the fact that there are a lot of people out there walking around thinking that things like pole dancing for kids and clothes from lingerie stores are no big deal and they are just for fun.  They really believe that these things are innocuous and harmless.  They believe the bullcrap that is fed to them.  Now THAT is scary.  I do not believe that BS and my kids will not be signing up for classes.

Girls have it tough and struggles start at a very young age.  They don’t need any more ridiculous things to avoid and be wary of.  Just stop people!  Just stop!  Play my little ponies, have tea parties, play a sport, go play outside (in sensible clothes), spend time with your families and just be KIDS!

End Rant.

This may or may not make any sense. You’ve been warned.

My toddler told me the other day that she hated me.  That sucked.  She also told me a few days before that that I was her best friend.  She is a little package of contradictions these days.  One of the challenges of being back at work is having to try to find a place to park your kids during the ten or so hours that you are gone during the day.  I have been lucky enough to find an amazing woman who feeds them good food, does fun activities and genuuinely loves them.  She is strict, keeps them on a schedule and is very flexible and agreeable.  She also happens to live a block and a half away.  This is all good.  What sucks is that my kids are being raised by another woman and are surrounded by kids that may or may not act the way I would want my kids to act.  So, without going in to too many details about the personal issues of the other kids in the day home, R has come home with a few interesting new phrases and quirks. 

Example number one:  We were eating dinner and having the normal conversations about eating a few more bites and ‘no you will not get a treat if you keep fighting ‘ etc.  In the middle of it all, R turns to me and says in a solemn voice:  “Mom, I am starting to die”.  This struck me as odd.  You can imagine why.  We have never really talked about death with her and this came out of nowhere.  She repeated versions of this a few times and then this gem came out:  “Mom, I am so sad.  Daddy’s mom died”.  Well, no she didn’t.  You just saw her a few weeks ago.  She also has said things like she is “stopping to breathe” and that she is playing the “dead game”.  Ummmm.  I began to get a bit freaked out. 

I talked to the day home lady and she confirmed that this wasn’t some morbid pre-school game they were playing after lunch and before naps.  There have indeed been a few incidents where an older kid has let loose with some cray cray musings during rage filled tantrums.  I was all at once relieved to hear the reason for all this nuttiness but also pretty concerned because I am not sure I want her around this poor kid.  Lovely day home lady has assured me that if this happens again that the older kid will be asked to go elsewhere.  Too bad for him, but a relief for us.  Being a teacher, I know where these things can go and I don’t want my kids to be around in the unlikely, yet scary, event that something happens. 

In other news, today is my b-day and I had a lovely weekend with some amazing friends I have missed for a long time.  Our kids were amazing and I swear I ate like it was my job.  I had lots of red wine, got to do some shopping and stayed up to unreasonable hours of the early morning.  I am exhausted which is why most of this post might sound a bit nutty.

Stay tuned for another installment of Ask the REAL MOM Lady.  Stripper poles and lingerie for tweens will be discussed.  And by discussed I mean lampooned.  People are stupid.

Happy Turkey Day!

Up here in the frozen north of Canada, it is Thanksgiving Weekend.  So, in truly unoriginal style I am going to do a post about those things for which I am thankful…


I am thankful for M.  He is funny, strong, kind, and patient.  I know that I annoy myself sometimes, so I can only imagine how much I must annoy him and yet he keeps on loving me.  He is a fantastic father, provider and husband.  I miss him when he isn’t here and I know I must love him because even when I am angry with him I often feel badly that he is sad because I am angry… twisted, but true.  I even love him when he is slurping and making mouth noises.  


I am thankful for R.  My first baby.  I am thankful for her dimple chin, her cute bum and her precocious sense of humour.  She told me the other day that I am her best friend.  I almost died.  I love it when she sings off key, tells jokes, dances with her twisty mouth and rolled back eyes, ‘reads’ stories aloud and when she bounds across the room to see me.  I am thankful that she is happy and healthy, smart and funny, stubborn and willful.  She is amazeballs.  


I am thankful for K.  She is cute in a bottle.  I have said to many that her body and stance often remind me of John Goodman.  All belly and butt.  I can’t get enough.  If biting her wouldn’t hurt I would be taking nips of her all day long.  I love that she growls with a huge open mouthed smile upon entering a room, that she is full of beans and moves non-stop.  I love that she gives kisses with tongue, that she teethes without complaint (Thank God), that she dances like Stevie Wonder and that she sings along with songs in the car.  She is more in tune than her older sister…  I love that she has a generous spirit and forgives her older sister a bonk or two.  I love her stubborn spirit as well.  

I am thankful for my family, near and far.  I am surrounded by love and support.  Life isn’t easy even when it is going well.  There are daily trials and tribulations to overcome and it is all the more palatable when you can call someone and bitch and moan.  I am thankful for buddy passes, family visits, phone plans and emails.  I am one lucky lady.  

I am also thankful for amazing friends who often take the place of family when no family is near.  I have wonderful girlfriends who commiserate with the best of them and who are constant sources of laughter and debauchery.  

My last two posts were pretty self-indulgent and whiney – believe me, I know.  So, I thought I would post something a bit more heartwarming and cheerful.  Life is good.  So is pie.  And turkey.  Oh God, now I am drooling on my computer…  gotta go!  

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.