Dear Real Mom Lady,
I was at the store the other day and a question of etiquette came up. Is it ok for me to keep parking in the spot designated for pregnant ladies and moms/families with small children even if my kids are 9 and 11? And if they are plannning on staying in the car while I shop? The reason I asked is because as I got out of my car this lady driving a minivan (ugh! right?) with limp hair and those stickers on her windshield advertising to the world that she has three kids and a dog gave me a really mean look. Like, she was pissed! I saw her later in the store with her kids crammed in to the cart, carrying a box of diapers and opening a packet of cookies to give to her kids. First of all, that is stealing until you pay for it. Second of all, it isn’t safe to put all your kids in the cart. Third, would it kill you to run a comb through your hair? And that of your kids for that matter? What do you think Real Mom Lady?
Sincerely, Confused and Repulsed.
Dear Confused and Repulsed,
By all means, keep parking in that spot designated for pregnant ladies and parents with young kids. As well, keep a running mental tally of all their shortcomings and failings as a parent to bring up at your next dinner party. I am sure you were NEVER in her position as you most likely always had your act together and always had time to shower. As well, please make sure to cut in front of her in the checkout line next time you see her, or another woman like her. They love it when you do that as it gives them more reason to look nasty and ungrateful. You probably have somewhere important to get to like a supercilious convention or a haughty meeting. She can wait. Also, if her kids start acting up in the cart behind you be sure to turn, look at them with disdain and roll your eyes. It helps. Also, take your sweet ass time paying for your one or two items and drive really quickly in the parking lot on the way out.
Hope that helped!
Dear Real Mom Lady,
My 10 year old daughter was watching a mash up of Pussycat Dolls and Lady Gaga videos on the YouTube the other day and asked if I would buy her a belly shirt so she could show off her flat abs. Should I? I don’t want her to be uncool or made fun of by the other girls…
Yes. Absolutely. Buy her a belly shirt so she can show off excessive amounts of her skin and expose her at an early age to inappropriate sexual objectification. If she happens to attract the wandering eye of a pedophile, all the better. While you are at it, buy her short shorts that expose a bit of butt cheek and get her to wear the items together to the first day of school. If she complains that she is cold, tell her to suck it up and wear what you bought because if she doesn’t she is being ungrateful. Having your child grow up long before it is necessary, and buying into stereotypical cultural norms is the way to parent if you want to teach her about the ‘real world’. By the time she is 13 she should know how to flirt to get ahead in life and should be getting condoms and a perscription for the morning after pill in her Christmas stocking.
PS. Buy a matching outfit for yourself and wear them together! Everyone loves a mommy-daughter duo at the bars!